Currently Watching Ah! My Goddess, Season 2: Flights of Fancy, Vol. 5 - That Old Black Magic By Ah My Goddess see related

My life has felt odd lately, and I can't seem to figure out why...

Though some things are more easily comprehended. Such as the fact that I've been working what seems like nonstop lately at a shitty job. I'm (somewhat) eager to return to school, but have not yet figured out if it will happen this fall or not. Just having that uncertainty hanging over my head really kills me...

Ryan and I have been together for about 3 months now, and things have been going alright.... it just seems that things have all of a sudden changed from when we first started dating... something I hadn't seen this early in a past relationship. I dunno... I mean, he used to go out of his way to be sweet, and he used to pay more attention to me when we were together, etc. Maybe I'm just too weird or too sensitive... but it seems like it doesnt happen much anymore. And when I bring up anything about it, I'm being moody, or I'm full of crap according to him. Seriously... I feel like he won't open up to me. There are things he seems more than reluctant to talk about and I feel like the bad guy bringing them up. But comunication is key in a relationship, so it can't be ignored. I'm not sure... sometimes I feel so helpless with my own life that I don't know what to do. I feel I should go one way, but I'm pulled in another, trapped in an endless tug-o-war of emotions, feelings, and choices... so full I feel I could snap.

As I reflected on things today, I began to feel the realization again - that I may be prioritizing the wants and feelings of others over my own happiness... which will more than likely not turn out well for me in the end if it continues... but what the hell do I want and how the fuck do I feel?

Why should it take what feels like a million heartbreaks to find love?  Why should I walk endlessly in a circle to decide where I want to be in my life? Why, when I find something good, can't I hold onto it?

I can't wait to figure things out...

Marilyn Manson
"Disassociative"

I can tell you what they say in space
That our earth is too grey
But when the spirit is so digital
The body acts this way
That world was killing me
That world was killing me
Disassociative

The nervous systems down, the nervous systems down

I know

I can never get out of here
I don't want to just float in fear
A dead astronaut in space

Sometimes we walk like we were shot through our heads, my love
We write our song in space like we are already dead and gone
Your world was killing me
Your world was killing me
Disassociative
Your world was killing me
Your world was killing me
Disassociative

I can never get out of here
I don't want to just float in fear
A dead astronaut in space
The nervous systems down, the nervous systems down
I know